Some big things have happened in the last seven months since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression:
*My husband went back to work after 6 months of leave.
*Paid off my student loans.
*Toddler was diagnosed with Autism.
*I lost 60 pounds with hard work.
*I developed a connection with my baby.
I still have some hard days but they are weeks and weeks apart instead of every one to three days. I've learned that anxiety attacks are a symptom of postpartum depression and not a whole other thing. About three weeks ago, I had one of those days and had a wicked 30 min anxiety attack where my heart was beating so fast, crying so hard, body felt in pain and I struggled to write a few friends to get to my place ASAP and help. One friend showed up and it really took me a few hours to come back down. She watched my children as I showered, we decorated cookies together, she really was an angel sent to me that day. It was a really exhausting experience.. but they happen further and further apart.
I speak boldly because I don't believe in sugarcoating something that has taken the lives of parents and children. I don't use the word "hell" lightly, but postpartum depression really is that. It is a miracle to survive the experience and it is not without all kinds of intervention.
A friend described it as such, "It literally is hell isn't it, it's like your mind and body don't belong to you, all happiness, normality and logical thinking go out the window and you're left in so much emotional pain that you can't see how you'll manage another minute. It is so incredibly hard."
The doctors, resources, medication, people and new friends sent in my path, old friends and family who just loved me anyway and who have helped me start the upward climb out of my broken brain. My Heavenly Father and Savior and General Conference talks have helped a lot. My brain doesn't feel so broken anymore and now I am finally starting to believe the people who said it would get better. I honestly didn't believe anyone who told me that it would get better. I didn't like to hear it because I just thought they didn't understand. But they were right, I am feeling much better than at the beginning.
I use to yearn for the woman I was before this experience happened to me and I am learning that I might never become that woman again, but that is okay. There are things I've learned that I never would have learned.
I am so grateful I started to feel like not being in bed all day before my toddler was diagnosed with Autism. I was really able to focus on her.
Some things I've learned lately:
Just because people say to me, "oh she doesn't look autistic or she doesn't look like she has postpartum depression", doesn't mean it's not there. When you know what to look for, you can see it. Educating yourself of any diagnosis is one of the keys to understanding.
We don't need to compare ourselves to other parents and everyone can do difficult things!
It's been a joy to see my children interact together. I love seeing how much they love me. I have a soft spot and an intense amount of compassion for other people who have PPD. Postpartum can happen to men and I've seen it.
We shouldn't compare someones beginning of the experience with someones middle or end of the experience, because it's different for everyone.
Some of you reading probably were like me and didn't believe it ... but WITH HELP, counselling, sometimes medication, etc ... you will start to feel better. Don't try to suffer through it alone.
