Dear Anxiety, why I dislike and like you.

Dear Anxiety, 

I first discovered who you were when I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.

I realize you have been there for a long time.
When I started taking medication for PPD there was something in there for you. 
You calmed right down. You lost most of your power, but it's the trying to manage you that will hopefully be the death of you.

You have used every pinch of stress against me. 

I have felt like I was the most impatient person to walk the earth, because of you. 
I have felt like such an awful mother, wife, and friend, because of you.

I have sent many prayers up to my Heavenly Father asking him to change what I thought was me, but was you, because of you.
I have beaten myself up more times than I can count, because of you.

Then I met your partner anxiety attacks...

You usually come visit me before I am about to go out anywhere like, shopping, Church, appointments, before cleaning, organizing, etc.

Anxiety attacks you have proven to me that it takes minimum 2 hours to get ready to go out.  (No, I don't mean two hours on getting myself ready).

Even if we get the diaper bag ready the night before, the children's, husband and my clothes, and the food ready the day before, you still slow me down. You stay the whole time and even hours afterwards. It is usually in the car that I start to recover. Car rides are usually quiet so I can relax. I don't avoid going outside because sometimes you come, I will over come this one day! Practice, practice, practice managing you.

While having an anxiety attack I feel like I am doing everything super fast.
 I sweat,
 I feel hot,
 and I feel like I am getting a lot of things done.
 In fact, I am moving super slow.

 At times, you have caused a lot of tension in our home and sometimes my husband needs to stop me and remind me that you are here. If he doesn't, you stay far too long. Sometimes you have power for hours. When my 2.5 year old daughter was diagnosed with Autism last month. You were surprisingly calm for awhile. My friends and family were a huge help of love and support and still are. The worries and fears that come with that kind of diagnosis are normal. I cried and cried and tried to get through the stages of emotion quickly so that I could be there for my daughter. It was then, that I saw what healthy stress was, and the stress that comes from you.
Sometimes I dislike you for how you make me feel physically and emotionally. Also, my husband does a lot to help, but you lurking here, doesn't give him as much credit as he deserves.

When I remember you are here, you lose your power. You don't receive credit for any effect you have on me. I am learning to manage you. You will be managed and I can be happy with or without you.

Even though life is hard when you are here, I do like you too. Why?

What I like about the both of you:

Without you, I would NEVER be able to understand anyone else who suffers from anxiety and anxiety attacks.

• You have taught me about myself.
• I've learned how real mental illness is. This is real.
• I've learned that I can diffuse your power.
• I've learned that you are manageable.
• I am not alone.
• I am loved with or without you.
• I have learned once again that I can ask my Heavenly Father for help with anything tiny or big!



https://www.pinterest.com/explore/anxiety-attacks-symptoms/

• Anything that is a big deal to me, is a big deal to God. 

You HAVE HELPED ME SEE HOW BIG MY BRAVE IS!!

Bad Day NOT a Bad Mom

"You're such a bad mother. Come on, other parents do this and some have more children than you. 

Some parents have children with worse special needs.

Everyone's children get colds and the flu, pull it together.

Why are you crying?

Your baby just had a blow out and you cut off her clothes and throw them out. Why can't you be more patient like other parents and carefully take them off and wash them.

Why does the constant need to wipe the nose of both your children overwhelm you? Your husband is going to be off paternity leave in February and you can't even handle the day without him. What are you going to do THEN?

Wow! You shouldn't have any more children.

Why are you crying? Your baby is looking at you.

Why does the sound of your baby crying after a 2 minute nap for the 50th time today frustrate you? Go clean her nose and snuggle her like other parents do.

Why do the screams of your Autistic child make you feel the way you do? 

Now you are alone crying on your pillow. Your children need you, forget yourself and attend to them.

You are soak and wet, dirty, sweaty, wearing your husbands clothes and didn't cook dinner.. wow! he's going to be so disappointed in you when he gets home. You didn't even comb your hair or brush your teeth yet and it's 4pm. Other mothers do it, why can't you?

Don't even think about asking a friend for help. Look at you. Yuck! 

If you talk about it, people are going to agree and tell you to get it together.

You are a disappointment.

Why did you ever think you were wife or mother material?

You know, it is easier not to live..........."                        LIES, LIES, LIES!

http://www.thefreshquotes.com/cancer-quotes-world-cancer-day/

These are the thoughts that have invaded my brain today and made me cry and cry some more.  I write about it because helps me see which thoughts are lies and truth. 

What I've learned:

• We all have different stress levels and we need to be sensitive to the stress levels of others.
• My children chose me as their mother.
• Raising a child with special needs makes a family special.
• Through my daughters Autism diagnosis I have learned who my true friends and family are.
•  I have a plate that I can handle.
• There is no need to compare with other parents. 
• We are not given more than we can handle, but when we feel we can't handle anything, that's where our loved ones come in: BUT you GO to the hospital when you feel you can't control your brain anymore. 

This is what my postpartum depression does to me. When intrusive thoughts come, a friend told me to add, "..but I am loved."
I know that I am loved but my broken brain makes me forget that sometimes.

 I am not a perfect wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, etc but I am trying my best and I love my husband, my children, family and friends.

I also love my online support groups with other Special Needs, Autism Spectrum Disorder(ASD) parents, other mothers suffering with PPD, anxiety and mothers with new babies. I can ask them anything and we can laugh and cry together while discussing our own children. I found these resources of help for myself through facebook by typing in Autism or something else in the facebook search engine and joining groups. It has been another source of help. 
Anyone can do it and you should if you feel alone. Seek all the help you can! You are not alone!